Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
