i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
people are starting to question the shark bite story
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
