So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
