not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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