Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
