He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
