You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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