Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
