JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
