I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
