I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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