She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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