The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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