But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
