"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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