how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
