in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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