Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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