OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize