Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
