The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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