Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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