woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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