There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
