i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
