I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
