I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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