My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
