I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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