i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
