We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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