Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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