I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
