so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
