So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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