Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Drunk is not a location!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
