just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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