saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
did i just pee glitter
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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