I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
