im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
