is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
