I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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