just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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