would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
