Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
