my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
