You don't have asthma, your pregnant
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
