Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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