You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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