My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
