He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
