Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize