it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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