Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
