I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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