They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
