and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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