i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
