last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
