Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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