Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
