Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
one two three fourrrrnication!
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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