So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
