She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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