apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
