It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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