ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
