You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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