I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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