I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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