I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
