ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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